Confused

I'm just like the rest of you.  I love to wear women's clothing.  And I too started so early I can't really remember how young I was the first time.  I believe the first few times were when my older sister and cousins dressed me up in their cloths.  They had me strip naked, then put panties, hose and a dress on me.  I remembered I loved the feeling of the clothes.  But I played the game of disliking it while carelessly trying to fight them off.  They always won, 3 to 1 anyway.

So flash forward 40 odd years and I'm now accepting the fact that I love to wear women's clothing.  I did bring the subject to the front with my SO.  Prior to our little talk I had been wearing panties (mine), her slip and a one-piece bathing suit of hers on occasions during sex.  I was even able to ask her to get it and put it on me.  She always did this with no question so i thought she was pretty cool about it.

One day I had a talk with my neighbour.  She said I should not be ashamed or feel embarrassed about my cross-dressing.  Her take is "if it feels good then do it".  She also encouraged me to talk to my SO about it.  So I did.  I'm a bit confused now about it again.  She basically said she does not care for it but knows she cannot and does not want to stop me.  However, to be fair she said she could take it sometimes but not all the time.  So well we never defined 'sometimes' but the fact is I love to do it everyday. 

I work from home so as soon as she leaves for work I go and change.  I always wear a bra and stockings or pantyhose.  On top of this I usually wear a dress but I do have a few skirts and tops I like to wear as well.  I bought silicon inserts for my bras that I always love to use everyday too. 

But when 5pm rolls around I take most of it off and put on 'regular' men clothes.  At times I will only have on panties and stockings but I do wear a bra under a t-shirt a few times a week as well.  She never says anything but I know she knows I'm wearing a bra.  She becomes hesitant to touch me where she could come in contact with the bra. 

So basically we live in the 'don't tell, don't wanna know' mode.  She tolerates my dressing during sex and will then touch my bras and other garments then.  I love it when she traces her fingers around my bra or rubs me on the panties.

This way of living has left me feeling a bit ashamed since she doesn't really accept it.  It plays that bad tape in my head most of us probably have heard many times growing up.  Boys don't wear girls clothes.  So I do hide it a lot.

That is one issue.

Another issue has been that I have increasingly wanted to go out in public dressed up in some fashion.  There are two sides to this.  The reality and the 'pushing the envelope'.  I sometimes like to push the envelope by wearing panties, garter belt, stockings and a bra out in public under my 'regular' clothes.  I will almost always have a combination of panties, stockings or pantyhose when I go out, whether it's alone or with my SO.  Recently I have added wearing a bra out.  I choose times and places that are somewhat safe.  I know my SO has figured it out, one night she even asked.  I told the truth.  She just says I'm weird.

The next part is that when I'm wearing all of it, dress and all I keep getting the feeling I'd like to be out in public dressed this way.  The reality is that I know this would never work.  For one I have a beard and I'm very hairy everywhere.  I don't want to go in public as a woman exactly.  I'd rather just be able to go in public dressed in women's clothing.  I know that society does not accept this, especially where I live.  I have too much fear in doing this, so it keeps me in reality.

The problem is that occasionally I'll chuck it to the wind and push things further than I should.  That's how I ended up wearing a bra under men's clothing recently.  It seems that my feelings of wanting to be dressed are becoming stronger so I take more risks.  But I then think it could be a matter of not wanting to have to hide it so much.  I feel this bit churning in the background somewhere. 

I hate having to hide it but if I were to allow more to see me dressed up I would not want to deal with the negative aspects.  Another complication is that I'd rather not have men see me dressed, I always fantasize  about being with other women while dressed up.  This includes my SO as well as her friends and my female friends.  Maybe it's a sexual thing then, or a mother thing.  I actually do like to be with men sexually but that's all it is, sex.  I never feel compelled to be attracted to a man.  It's about feeling good.  I only want to be with a man if I'm dressed in some women's clothing.

Wow, I'm confused.