A Little History Lesson

Touch, to me, is very important.  Growing up as a child I was never touched.  All 'normal' family intimacy was gone when my parents divorce when I was about 8 or 9.  The one time I remember being touched was on the head by my stepmother.  I flinched.  She did it in a loving way but it was totally unexpected so I flinched.  I was not physically abused but emotionally abused and then had no emotional closeness to any of  my family members.  I've dealt with all the emotional issues and have become a very strong introspective  person because of my experiences.  I'm very intuitive of my surroundings and other people.

Along with this touch subject something I have finally accepted for myself is the love of wearing women's lingerie.  I hesitate to say this sometimes, mainly out of embarrassment, guilt and the lingering bad feelings  the desire has had over the years.

I'm not gay, on the contrary I'm very much a man and I absolutely love women.  I think that could be part of why I like lingerie as well.  For the love of women, makes me feel just a little closer to women in general.

I started out playing with my mother's panties and hose as a child, probably around the age of 6 or 7.  Whenever I had the chance to be alone I would sneak into my parents dressing room.  First I'd find something silky from my mother's drawers, then I'd pull out the stash of hidden Playboys from my father's closet.  I would either wear the panties or I'd play with myself using the garments.  I  continued to do this for several years but then stopped for whatever reason.

Later in my teens I stole a pair of my step-mother's pantyhose and wore those on occasions in my bedroom at night.  I loved the feeling it gave me.  It felt naughty, close, and intimate.  I'd masturbate with those on at least a few times a week.  I had to hide them in the mattress of my bed.  The funny thing about that is that much later my step-mother made an off hand joke about finding them one day.  She said she started to wondered if I were gay until she found the pantyhose.  She assumed I had slept with a girl and saved those as a souvenir.  I never let her know they were hers.

Once I was living on  my own I would wear an occasional pair of panties taken from a girlfriend.  At times I'd wear them during sex with my girlfriends.  I don't think I ever had a bad experience with any girlfriends when I wore panties.  Most of them didn't seem to mind.  Then in the past 8 years or so I mustered the courage to buy some of my own panties and a few other things. (I found I really like to  wear women's one piece swimsuits.)  I would go through periods of absence due to the guilty and  embarrassment feelings.  But I always come back to this 'desire'.  On a couple of occasions I got rid of my collection of lingerie.  Each time I wished that I had not done that.  I mainly did it from fear of being caught by people I didn't want to know.

So finally in the past few months I decided  life is too short, why not enjoy it.

I live with my girlfriend.  We've been together for a few years now. I told her about it recently, but it didn't go over so well.  Not bad, just not as I would have really hoped.  She doesn't understand and it does not do anything for her she said.  So that has made me a little more shy about it.  She also mentioned it was weird and that she liked my hairy body because I am so manly according to her.  Prior to telling her how much I liked wearing  lingerie I would wear panties frequently during the day under my pants and during sex.  Occasionally, I would  wear one of her old slips, even asking her to get it and put it on me.  There were times I did the same thing with her swimsuit or my black swimsuit.

I haven't done any of that since I told her about it.  She has been very good at trying to understand.  She said she wanted to understand.  I made the point that I don't want to hide this from her because our relationship is important.  We have always been very open and honest.  I know I need to be more up front about it with  her now to get past being uncomfortable around her while wearing it.  Though she commented she could tolerate it on occassions but if it turned out to be everyday then she'd have a problem with it.

Problem is I do like to wear it most days.  So for now I wear things when she is not at home.  I also like to get in the hot-tub at night, seems to help me sleep better.  When I get in the hot-tub I usually will wear my black swimsuit, but sometimes I'll wear a pair of nice lace panties or even a whole body thing that's like a swimsuit. (I can't remember the name of that type of lingerie).  I even wore a pair of stockings with a garter belt.  I like to try different things.

I have a terrific relationship with my girlfriend. The one thing that is missing is sexual adventure.
L