Confused

I'm just like the rest of you.  I love to wear women's clothing.  And I too started so early I can't really remember how young I was the first time.  I believe the first few times were when my older sister and cousins dressed me up in their cloths.  They had me strip naked, then put panties, hose and a dress on me.  I remembered I loved the feeling of the clothes.  But I played the game of disliking it while carelessly trying to fight them off.  They always won, 3 to 1 anyway.

So flash forward 40 odd years and I'm now accepting the fact that I love to wear women's clothing.  I did bring the subject to the front with my SO.  Prior to our little talk I had been wearing panties (mine), her slip and a one-piece bathing suit of hers on occasions during sex.  I was even able to ask her to get it and put it on me.  She always did this with no question so i thought she was pretty cool about it.

One day I had a talk with my neighbour.  She said I should not be ashamed or feel embarrassed about my cross-dressing.  Her take is "if it feels good then do it".  She also encouraged me to talk to my SO about it.  So I did.  I'm a bit confused now about it again.  She basically said she does not care for it but knows she cannot and does not want to stop me.  However, to be fair she said she could take it sometimes but not all the time.  So well we never defined 'sometimes' but the fact is I love to do it everyday. 

I work from home so as soon as she leaves for work I go and change.  I always wear a bra and stockings or pantyhose.  On top of this I usually wear a dress but I do have a few skirts and tops I like to wear as well.  I bought silicon inserts for my bras that I always love to use everyday too. 

But when 5pm rolls around I take most of it off and put on 'regular' men clothes.  At times I will only have on panties and stockings but I do wear a bra under a t-shirt a few times a week as well.  She never says anything but I know she knows I'm wearing a bra.  She becomes hesitant to touch me where she could come in contact with the bra. 

So basically we live in the 'don't tell, don't wanna know' mode.  She tolerates my dressing during sex and will then touch my bras and other garments then.  I love it when she traces her fingers around my bra or rubs me on the panties.

This way of living has left me feeling a bit ashamed since she doesn't really accept it.  It plays that bad tape in my head most of us probably have heard many times growing up.  Boys don't wear girls clothes.  So I do hide it a lot.

That is one issue.

Another issue has been that I have increasingly wanted to go out in public dressed up in some fashion.  There are two sides to this.  The reality and the 'pushing the envelope'.  I sometimes like to push the envelope by wearing panties, garter belt, stockings and a bra out in public under my 'regular' clothes.  I will almost always have a combination of panties, stockings or pantyhose when I go out, whether it's alone or with my SO.  Recently I have added wearing a bra out.  I choose times and places that are somewhat safe.  I know my SO has figured it out, one night she even asked.  I told the truth.  She just says I'm weird.

The next part is that when I'm wearing all of it, dress and all I keep getting the feeling I'd like to be out in public dressed this way.  The reality is that I know this would never work.  For one I have a beard and I'm very hairy everywhere.  I don't want to go in public as a woman exactly.  I'd rather just be able to go in public dressed in women's clothing.  I know that society does not accept this, especially where I live.  I have too much fear in doing this, so it keeps me in reality.

The problem is that occasionally I'll chuck it to the wind and push things further than I should.  That's how I ended up wearing a bra under men's clothing recently.  It seems that my feelings of wanting to be dressed are becoming stronger so I take more risks.  But I then think it could be a matter of not wanting to have to hide it so much.  I feel this bit churning in the background somewhere. 

I hate having to hide it but if I were to allow more to see me dressed up I would not want to deal with the negative aspects.  Another complication is that I'd rather not have men see me dressed, I always fantasize  about being with other women while dressed up.  This includes my SO as well as her friends and my female friends.  Maybe it's a sexual thing then, or a mother thing.  I actually do like to be with men sexually but that's all it is, sex.  I never feel compelled to be attracted to a man.  It's about feeling good.  I only want to be with a man if I'm dressed in some women's clothing.

Wow, I'm confused.

What I'm wearing today.

Well I couldn't help it. I had to change after writing that last entry. Below are some pictures of what I was wearing under the pink swimsuit.


So now I'm wearing my black Wacoal bra with my bigger titties. On top of the bra I'm wearing my new blue halter style swimsuit. Here are a few pictures of both.

It's been awhile.

Ok I have not written in a long time. For awhile I just didn't have anything to write. There were no new thoughts. But I have still been dressing up. In fact I have progressed to wearing silicone breasts in my bras now. I have two sets, one is size C the other set is more of size B. I absolutely love wearing them with my bras.

Wearing bras have become a daily routine now. As well as wearing stockings, pantyhose, slips, dresses and all kinds of women's clothing. Everyday after my wife leaves for work I go downstairs to my office and get dressed for the day. I wear my women's outfit while I work all day. It feels nice and gives confidence somehow.


However, around 5pm I have to take it all off and hide it away before my wife comes home. Now I don't actually have to have a secret about this but my wife has told me not to let her see it. She says every once in awhile is okay. The times I do wear some stuff in front of her is when I want to make love to her. She let's me. Again there is a but. But I have to make sure I don't always make love to her wearing a bra and panties. She knows about the bras, panties and stockings. Oh and a couple bathing suits. She does not know I have several dresses, skirts and associated blouses. Nor does she know about the fake boobs. I did get 'caught' wearing the small ones the other day. She came outside where I was doing something in the yard. It was dark out and I was hunched over a little so I don't think she actully saw them. I'm also not sure what I would have done or how I'd feel if she did notice. I might have to think about that.

I've included some photos of what I'm wearing right now. I'm over at one our rental houses doing some work. I love to wear a bra under a swimsuit as well as stockings. It makes doing this boring work a bit more fun. This isn't the best looking swimsuit, too bright for my taste but I do like the way it feels, tight and comfortable. Sort of a calming feeling too maybe. I just like it. I may change into my purple swimsuit in a little bit. I want to put on a bra that the size C fake boobs fit in. I will be working here late so I will be ordering a pizza. I keep thinking about wearing one of my dresses when it's delivered. I'm not sure I really have the nerve for it though. We'll see. That would give me something to write about!





u

Where to start... Stupid Idea #2

Okay, I know it's been a long time since I posted.  Well I suppose at first it was because I really had nothing on my mind that needed to come out.  Then there were trickles of thoughts about posting, but thinking that no one really reads this I was discouraged.  I have sent various emails, anonymously, to females I have known or known.  I always think later that was a really bad bad idea.  But then I go do it again. 

Last time I wrote to a woman I thought was really beautiful, she's a friend of an old girlfriend.  I have no contact with this person anymore, only have her email address, nothing else.  So I emailed her and asked her what she thought about men crossdressing.  I didn't quite put it that way but asked for her opinion on the subject more or less.  Then well...  I signed my real name. 

Geeze, I couldn't believe I did that.  I also did not give her the link to my blog.  That might be the only good thing about that.  So far I have not heard from her or my old girlfriend whom I do speak with occasionally still.

What a stupid thing to do.

.

Traveling with Panties and a Bra

This past weekend I had to fly out of town. The destination and reason are irrelevant. The day I was leaving I had a friend over. I decided to take the opportunity to let her know about my wearing of women's lingerie. She was surprised as expected. What was nice though was that she made no appearance of negativity towards me or about the idea of me wearing a bra and panties. In fact she made me feel comfortable about it. I was uncomfortable, very embarrassed and feeling a little shame once I let the cat out of the bag. My fear was she would be horrified and tell me off. That was not the case at all. Instead she made a few jokes in my favor about it. I admitted the bra was mine when she asked who's it was. That was hard to answer but I wanted to tell the truth, so I did. I took her back to our bedroom and showed her some other things. I had some other bras, lots of panties and some slips in a drawer. Of course that was not all of it I explained. The whole time I talked about the lingerie and my desires she kept a smile on her face. That was comforting.

I don't have a clue why I decided to let her know. I just wanted to. Over the weekend I thought about it a lot. I kept going over that Friday with her. I told my friend 'it just feels good' over and over. I think I'm looking for confirmation and acceptance from women I trust so I can accept this burning desire to wear women's lingerie.

She was so nice about it. She said I should open a business for men who like to wear lingerie. I certainly like that idea but part of this desire is that it's women's lingerie. If it were specifically for men it would not feel the same or have the same affect.

Another comment she made that stuck in my head helped me push away some of the shame this weekend. Just before we were to leave for the airport I took my bra off. She said what are you doing that for, why aren't you going to wear it. Well I have to go through security and I always get the hand wand job. Her comment made me laugh. She said it give him a great story to tell. I still took it off.

However, I decided to put it back on after going through security. In the bathroom stall I retrieved my favorite bra from my bag and put it on. Wow that felt great. I was so glad I put in my bag, it was a quick last minute decision. I wasn't going to take any lingerie since I was going to be around family.

That one remark she made about wearing it through security told me it's okay to feel this way. It meant to me I'm okay too. I'm very glad now I had this conversation with her.

Over the weekend I stole away each night to the hottub at the hotels. I would go down late so no one would be there. I had not come prepared so I had to wear my panties. Now this was a pretty risky move because the only panties I had were the ones I wore on Friday. And they are white. Not only that, they're slightly see through. To my surprise the panties became almost transparent when wet. At first I was horrified because I saw security cameras at the front desk. Decided the hell with it. I just had to be careful, which I was.

That was exciting. The last night out of town. I had a moment to be alone so I put my bra on and went outside for a smoke. Wearing my fleece pullover helped to conceal it in case any family found me.

Now I'm on my way home. I wore my bra and panties to the airport. I had to take It off but could not find a restroom. Well fuckit, I just removed it out in the open near a wall with fewer people around. Once I cleared security I found a restroom so I could put it back on.

I am enjoying the feeling. I can't exactly explain it. The bra feels good around my chest. It's not exactly that it squeezes but it's that I can feel it around me. It gives me a secure feeling.


There's still one more flight to go before I'm home.

.
Lucee

A Little History Lesson

Touch, to me, is very important.  Growing up as a child I was never touched.  All 'normal' family intimacy was gone when my parents divorce when I was about 8 or 9.  The one time I remember being touched was on the head by my stepmother.  I flinched.  She did it in a loving way but it was totally unexpected so I flinched.  I was not physically abused but emotionally abused and then had no emotional closeness to any of  my family members.  I've dealt with all the emotional issues and have become a very strong introspective  person because of my experiences.  I'm very intuitive of my surroundings and other people.

Along with this touch subject something I have finally accepted for myself is the love of wearing women's lingerie.  I hesitate to say this sometimes, mainly out of embarrassment, guilt and the lingering bad feelings  the desire has had over the years.

I'm not gay, on the contrary I'm very much a man and I absolutely love women.  I think that could be part of why I like lingerie as well.  For the love of women, makes me feel just a little closer to women in general.

I started out playing with my mother's panties and hose as a child, probably around the age of 6 or 7.  Whenever I had the chance to be alone I would sneak into my parents dressing room.  First I'd find something silky from my mother's drawers, then I'd pull out the stash of hidden Playboys from my father's closet.  I would either wear the panties or I'd play with myself using the garments.  I  continued to do this for several years but then stopped for whatever reason.

Later in my teens I stole a pair of my step-mother's pantyhose and wore those on occasions in my bedroom at night.  I loved the feeling it gave me.  It felt naughty, close, and intimate.  I'd masturbate with those on at least a few times a week.  I had to hide them in the mattress of my bed.  The funny thing about that is that much later my step-mother made an off hand joke about finding them one day.  She said she started to wondered if I were gay until she found the pantyhose.  She assumed I had slept with a girl and saved those as a souvenir.  I never let her know they were hers.

Once I was living on  my own I would wear an occasional pair of panties taken from a girlfriend.  At times I'd wear them during sex with my girlfriends.  I don't think I ever had a bad experience with any girlfriends when I wore panties.  Most of them didn't seem to mind.  Then in the past 8 years or so I mustered the courage to buy some of my own panties and a few other things. (I found I really like to  wear women's one piece swimsuits.)  I would go through periods of absence due to the guilty and  embarrassment feelings.  But I always come back to this 'desire'.  On a couple of occasions I got rid of my collection of lingerie.  Each time I wished that I had not done that.  I mainly did it from fear of being caught by people I didn't want to know.

So finally in the past few months I decided  life is too short, why not enjoy it.

I live with my girlfriend.  We've been together for a few years now. I told her about it recently, but it didn't go over so well.  Not bad, just not as I would have really hoped.  She doesn't understand and it does not do anything for her she said.  So that has made me a little more shy about it.  She also mentioned it was weird and that she liked my hairy body because I am so manly according to her.  Prior to telling her how much I liked wearing  lingerie I would wear panties frequently during the day under my pants and during sex.  Occasionally, I would  wear one of her old slips, even asking her to get it and put it on me.  There were times I did the same thing with her swimsuit or my black swimsuit.

I haven't done any of that since I told her about it.  She has been very good at trying to understand.  She said she wanted to understand.  I made the point that I don't want to hide this from her because our relationship is important.  We have always been very open and honest.  I know I need to be more up front about it with  her now to get past being uncomfortable around her while wearing it.  Though she commented she could tolerate it on occassions but if it turned out to be everyday then she'd have a problem with it.

Problem is I do like to wear it most days.  So for now I wear things when she is not at home.  I also like to get in the hot-tub at night, seems to help me sleep better.  When I get in the hot-tub I usually will wear my black swimsuit, but sometimes I'll wear a pair of nice lace panties or even a whole body thing that's like a swimsuit. (I can't remember the name of that type of lingerie).  I even wore a pair of stockings with a garter belt.  I like to try different things.

I have a terrific relationship with my girlfriend. The one thing that is missing is sexual adventure.
L

New Bras

Well I ordered some new bras that just came in today.  I've been waiting all week for them.  It makes me excited to wear them.  I bought four but one is on back order.  I've been a little anxious too since I didn't want my girlfriend to find the package in the mail.  Today is Friday so I was getting a little nervous they might not show up until tomorrow.  Luckily, they did arrive today! 

Here are pictures of the ones that came today.

This one I have in white.

I bought this one in black.

This one I ordered in the beige color shown.

This is the bra that is back ordered, it's in white.

L

Message

Okay, well I had another massage.  I did wear my beige bra and somewhat matching beige panties.  I laid them out a bit more obvious this time.  When I put the bra down, I placed it so the straps were out straight, not under the bra.

The massage was great, I love the way she starts by rubbing my back and then getting me to breath in deep a few times while she pushes down my back as I breath out.  It gets me to relax and in the right place to receive the massage.  She also spends time rubbing my head.  I love to have my head rubbed, her fingers running through my hair.  I love getting my hair washed for the same reason when I get it cut.  Its so relaxing. 

So after that getting me relaxed she does her thing while I'm face down.  Then when she turns me over I decided to open my eyes just a bit.  But before I had opened my eyes I started to get a boner.  It was a slow development.  I felt a bit shy at first, but then decided the hell with it so I encouraged it as much as I could.  I kept imagining how she had to look my bra when she first entered the room.  Then kept imagining her looking at it while she was massaging me from the position she was in.  I flicked my cock as much as I could to keep it hard.  I'm sure she noticed the tent.  It's not that I have a huge one, but it's decent size enough to make a nice tent.

I never open my eyes during a massage, easier to keep them closed.  I usually go somewhere else in my mind and just focus on relaxing.  But this time for whatever reason I decided to open my eyes a bit.  I wanted to see her hands really, which I did a little.  She was sitting on a stool most of the time so it was actually hard to see her. 

Then something surprising happened.  After I had turned over my had my legs more or less straight out, not open at all but relaxed straight out.  When she finished with my left leg she placed it to the side of the table somewhat.  Then after finishing my second leg she also put it to the side.  Essentially she had my legs spread open somewhat.  That felt sexy, have never had a masseuse do that before.  They always return them to the same relaxed straight position.  But here's the real surprise.  When she was coming back to my head on her rolling stool I saw her reach over with one hand to fondle my bra.  I'm not sure what she did but it was obvious she either picked it up or maybe read the label, but none the less I know she touched my bra.

When I went to dress it was very obvious that the bra had been disturbed.  Maybe she was trying to put it back in the original position after she had picked it up when she first came back into the room.  I'm not sure but it gave me a huge rush to know she is curious about my bra wearing.

I've had a few good fantasies about this little episode.

L

Late Night Wearing.

Well I haven't been able to post for a bit.  Work gets in the way too much. 

I had to do some work late tonight so I thought I'd end the night with a post.  Since I was able to work from home for this project I have been wearing a black wireless bra with lace, a pair of white panties and a black slip. 

It feels good to sit around in the lingerie.  Since I'm working late my girlfriend won't know about it.  She knows I wear lingerie but is still getting used to the idea.  I have only worn a few things with her so far since I told her how much I like to wear lingerie.  She knew when we started to date in a way.  I have always worn women's panties.  And even on the first few times we made love I wore panties.  I have never tried to hide that until now it seems.  I would occassionally wear panties during sex and it never seemed to bother her.  She seemed not to be bothered, but that was before I told her how much I enjoyed other lingerie.

Now I do hide my wearing panties and such.  I don't like to and she said I didn't have to hide it.  But it's the fact that I know she is not sure she really likes it that makes me hide it now.  Before when I was clueless it was easier.  Not sure how to move forward with that.

It seems I do like to wear it almost daily.  She did mention that it would be really weird for her if I were to wear it daily.  I can understand that.  I think it's a little weird too.   I don't know why I enjoy it so much, but I do.  Since 'coming out' with it to her my desire has increased.  Maybe I held it in check before.

I do have a nice nightie that I wish I could wear to bed sometimes.  I'm too embarrassed now to wear it again.  I did once so my girlfriend knows about it but I just can't get over the part of her not liking it.  But if I don't wear any then she'll never have the chance to warm up to the idea.

One part of wearing lingerie, especially bras, that I enjoy is getting caught by other women.  It's more then just sexual, though that is a big part of it.  It's sort of a rush too.  The excitement of getting caught doing something taboo.  I also love to get naked in front of other people, especially women.  That is also exciting.  I'll strip down naked in a heart beat if allowed.  Not that I get many chances. 

I have another appointment with the massage therapist tomorrow.  I'm thinking of wearing this nice lace beige bra I have with some panties that match.  Haven't decided yet if I'll wear a garter belt and stockings.  The massages are great, I really enjoy getting them.  It helps me in many ways and then the added bonus of being somewhat caught by the massage therapist is exciting too.  Kinda like a secret with her.  Poor girl, she probably just thinks I'm gay.  I'm going to keep doing it without saying anything to see if she'll ever mention it at all.  I know I have not offended her because she was so warm and inviting afterwards.  If I did offend her I would never go back to see her. That's the last thing I would want to do to someone.  I'm sure some people would be offended but I don't have interactions with those people.

L

My Black Bra

I don't really know why but I love to wear bras. I have this one black bra that I really do like to wear. It makes my skin tingle everywhere the bra touches. I like that feeling. And if I get a little high that tingling feelings is amplified. Why not enjoy it!

I should be doing some work right now but I wanted to put my bra on first.  The way it squeezes feels good too.

Is it really wrong for a man to enjoy wearing a bra?  It does seem odd because from what I've heard most women can't wait to take the thing off.

Here's a picture I just took of me wearing my black bra.

I know it's not the most sexy thing a man could wear but hey it feels good.  Though it would be nice if women thought men were sexy in lingerie like this.

L

Today

Ok, well not much time. I was going to try to put a picture or two up today. I wanted to post some pictures of what I was wearing today. It didn't work so well. I couldn't get a good enough picture and I was late starting working so didn't have enough time.

I will tell you what I was wearing. I'm not sure of the name, it was a one-piece black satin thing that is like a swimsuit. But it's not a swimsuit, it has the hooks in the crotch like a bra does. I wore that for awhile then went upstairs later and put on a pair of pantyhose. Those things are easy to ruin. I have three pairs and have not worn them much and they have runs from the top to the bottom. Seems everything around me grabs them somehow. Geeze, now I understand my mother yelling at me to stay away when I was a child.

Oh, along with the pantyhose I put on my favourite nude coloured bra. It's a Waycoal bra with satin at the bottom of the cups and lace on the upper half. I LOVE the feeling of that one. I need to find more like that but dag, need to find them cheaper. No wonder women don't have a lot of bras, those are expensive. WOW! Another problem is trying to find a size 40B or 42B, everything seems to be C or D range. Even on the internet it's hard to find B cups. I don't like to put anything in the cups, I like the feel of it against me.

L

Emails from a hottub while wearing a woman's black one-piece swimsuit

Well I sent some emails out tonight. All to just women that I have met and have had thoughts about every so often. If you are one them reading now, thank you so much for coming here to read further.

Foremost, I want you to know I'm not gay. I absolutely love women, especially there beautiful bodies. I love all shapes and sizes.

I have always loved to wear lingerie. Most of the time I have had feelings of shame, embarrassment and guilt over liking lingerie. I'm a very tactile person. I love to fell things and people. The feeling I get from lingerie is a tingling sexy feeling. Then the way the lingerie hugs me, like a bra or swimsuit.

Lately I decided enough is enough. I should not have to feel all those negative feelings. So what if ilike it. I'm not hurting anyone. Being so trapped with these feelings over the years has started to take is toll. So I think it's time I took control and allow myself to feel good.





Because ladies lingerie just feels damn good. If I could get away with it I'd wear it everyday under normal clothes and then wear a satin night gown to bed everynight.

If you recieved an email from me, please understand I mean no harm. I have this urge to let people know. And around this southern city that just won't work. So I stay in the closest. By sending anonymous emails to people I know it helps to squealsh that urge.

So please come back and read again. Leave a message too. That would be grand.

Thank you so much
L

Massage Therapy

I have to say, I was bad the other day.  On Tuesday of this week I had a massage at the local massage school.  My appointment was with one of the licensed massage therapist, not one of the students.  To keep this anonymous I'll have to call her Janice.  I was running late as usual so while I was filling out the necessary paper work I saw Janice standing there waiting.  WOW!  She is a petite woman with a mysterious look about her.  She was wearing the massage therapist pants and shirt that all of them wear there, nothing special but it was all black.  She has long jet black hair that was tied up some what untidily that added to her mysterious allure.

The last time I had a massage at the school I ended up with a heavy set girl.  I am not opposed to heavy set women.  In fact I kinda like them sexually.  So I was relieved to see this attractive woman.  When I get a massage it's a soothing, and I like having attractive women give me the massage, specially if they are older.  It gives me a comfort of being taken care of in a way that is motherly.  I don't know how else to say it.  I do not attach myself to this person, it's the motion of the massage that does it actually.  There is no connection to the person other then her hands.  I totally detach from who is giving the massage.  I like women who have womanly hands, long soft fingers.

On this particular appointment, I dressed in nice black stockings held up with a nice black lace garter belt.  I miss placed my favorite new black panties so I wore another pair I like with just a little lace on the leg openings.  But these panties have a nice tiny pink bow at the middle of the top band.  I also wore a Waycoal black lace bra.  At my appointment I removed all my clothes and placed the stockings, garter belt and panties on top of my pants.  I did not try to hide them at all.  Then on the chair I placed my shirt first then my black bra.  I again did not hide the bra, but I did place it in a way that she could easily tell it was a bra.  I made sure too that I did not place it as an exhibit, just kinda threw it down on top of my shirt.

I was nearly caught naked with one stocking on and my bra.  Janice thought I would be ready, she knocked on the door and started to open it.  In a panic I said just a second.  Damn, why did I say that!  Later I kept going over that and wished badly I had said nothing and let her come in to find me dressed with a bra and stocking on.  I would have embarrassed her I'm sure which I would not have liked.  It's just that I would have really like to have been 'caught'.

In a way I was caught since she was able to see that I had wore a bra and the other items to the appointment.  The extra time to get undressed I'm sure entered her mind.

I plan to go back to see her again shortly.  I love massages and it really helps me in other physical ways.  For my next appointment I will again wear something similar and place it out for her to see.  I may even make it a bit more obvious, but not so much.  I also fantasised about wearing a woman's one piece swimsuit to an appointment and placing that out for her to see as well.  I hope to continue to see her and maybe one day she will ask about my dressing.  More then likely she will not say anything is my guess.

To Begin With

Not much time here but wanted to throw something up on my new blog.

I have wanted to start a blog, but never seem to have the time to start one.  I hope to use this space to work through my love of wearing lingerie.  I'm not gay, I just love to wear lingerie.

I live with my girlfriend and recently told her that I do love to wear lingerie.  She knew this already somewhat, as I have worn panties, womens' swimsuits, and recently her slip while making love.  I'll have to post more on this subject later.

I started this a long time ago as a child.  When my parents would leave for a short period I would rush to my mother's draw of panties, put on a pair, then go find my father's stash of Playboy magazines.  I would thumb through the pictures over and over, rubbing myself the entire time. I was too young to cum yet but I really enjoyed the felling of the satin panties while looking at the naked women in Playboy.

I'll have to write more on my growing up another time.

Right now I'm wearing a black one-peice woman's bathing suit under my regular clothes of blue jeans and tee-shirt.  It feels great!